Emotional Resilience, I broke through today... I have finally grown up...

Gaining perspective

Why did you think what you lost was so important to you?

Fxm: I really thought lc was everything.. I have realized she wasn’t all that. I placed to much b.s. on her that she turned out to just be human like everyone else.. Thiis I my fault…

Yes, she was important because it was my best friend the one I told all my secrets the one I laughed with… She was important at that time..

How much did you exaggerate it’s worth?

Fxm: Yes, I had exaggerated her worth which she was only 17 years old and she was young. This was her first love also, she wanted to know more and I couldn’t have given her anything… I was illiterate at the time which I couldn’t read or write… This was really painful because I thought I would never need to learn how… I have learned now that I over exaggerated her..

Did you need a consuming love to believe you were lovable?

Fxm: yes, I found love with my friends getting high or just kissing their ass. I wasn’t me. I had to do stupid things to be accepted… I had no mind of my own… I was illiterate at that time..

Did you need power to make your feel strong?

Fxm: Yes, I used weights to create my power it was my solitude this was the only thing that I could control.. My body was my temple and it was everything I had… I had no writing or reading skills, but I had a great body and that was all….She, was smart and she motivated me to learn more and be ready..

Did you need the applause of others to prove your worth?

Fxm: Yes, I needed Eric’s approval and acceptance which I started doing drugs..

What were you dependent upon and why?

Fxm: I was dependent upon being liked that was my whole goal in life… Always being liked.. I never liked people getting angry with me.. I would never say no to not hurt the other person…I was always looking for approval..

What where you trying to control? ,And how?

Fxm: I was trying to control lily to come back to me which I would work out more hours and get bigger but that didn’t make a difference… My acne kept getting worse and worse, I had no control over my acne…. So, yes, I took control by exercising and getting big but at the same time my acne became worse and worse… I was in total pain…

What were you pretending to be? Why didn’t you accept yourself?

Fxm: The more exercise I did and the bigger I became, I became more secure but really inside, I was dead emotionally dead… I had no real love no real goals, just dead… I was empty for so long..

I pretending to be strong to show no pain..

I didn’t want to feel the pain… The pain of losing lily that is what I didn’t want to accept… I always kept a hope alive for her… But, reality sucks… Now, I know..

How did you survive this lost?

I realized that if I was ever going to talk to her again, it was because I talk to her on an educated level… yes, this is what I wanted to do… I have lost everything…

I realized the more educated I become the more she would return..

So, I went to work and worked long hours just to forget… That is all I could do since I have no words..

How much did you want or love what you lost?

Fxm: At the time, I thought she was everything, but as time has gone by she isnt’ all that… Yes, I am free today… I exaggerated her so much that I didn’t marry or anything for all this time…

Why weren’t you more careful, caring , or hardworking?

Fxm: I was an illiterate kid..

Did you really do your best?

Fxm: Yes, for what I knew at the time..

What did you hold back and why?

Fxm: I wanted to tell her how much I suffered and the pain she caused me.. I did this the other day when Lily birthday party.. I showed my pain and it was great because she saw it and that is all you can do…

What did you believe that was untrue?

Fxm: She wouldn’t have changed me at all…She wasn’t all that, she is human like everyone else..

Why did you believe it?

Fxm: that is all I knew when I was young, I had no life experience….

What did you really want?

Fxm: I wanted a friend to talk to and laugh with that was all…

Did you have an inflated view of your worth?

Fxm: yes, I thought because I worked out and had a great body that I could have anything…Well, did I learn..

Were you sincere?

Yes, I was, I let her go…